Sunday, August 14, 2005Scientists invent negative calorie ice cream
11/8/2013
Pasadena, CA - Two prominent scientists at Caltech, known for inventing "factory sealed" plastic packaging and CD case plastic wrap, published a paper, "Negative net caloric gain due to grip inhibition technology in individually packaged ice cream tubes", on Saturday. Indeed, Drs. Rob D. Jew and Entzwith Berg claim that they managed to create a wrapping for a 450 calorie ice cream product that takes 500 calories to open.
"We used mathematical modeling and cutting edge technology to create a nearly frictionless, perfectly tight, and almost impossible to cut or penetrate wrapping for the ice cream that takes a theoretical minimum of 500 calories to remove," Dr. Entzwith Berg explained.
The packaging is already thought to have many uses. Amnesty International plans to pass out millions of packaged ice cream tubes to Americans, noting that they will solve "horrific" and "cruel" weight issues currently plaguing the fattest country in the history of the world.
President George Bush Jr. was quick to proclaim that these ice cream tubes would end the war in Iraq. When an intrepid reporter asked for more details, Karl Rove immediately had the person fired and shot.
However, not all reactions were positive.
PETA, a well known animal rights organization, protested the development on the package on the grounds of it being tested on animals. Thousands of PETA protesters could be seen gathered around the house of Dr. Rob D Jew, crying chants of "Animals have feelings too!". A befuddled Dr. Jew could been seen standing at the doorway, repeatedly saying that he only used mathematical simulations. In response, the protesters yelled more loudly.
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