Wednesday, August 03, 2005Sanny
Dear Dr. Sankaranarayanan,
Your paper "Nrf3 negatively regulates antioxidant-response element-mediated expression and antioxidant induction of NAD(P)H:quinone oxidoreductase1 gene." was of significant help. One of the figures--obscure but apparently worthy--saved me approximately 30 minutes of research.
However, there is a problem with our relationship. The 30 minutes saved by your paper were lost, or worse; the thirty minutes were destroyed--destroyed by the confusing spelling of your name. Let us review difficulties concerning your name.
1) Too long. At 16 letters, your name approaches the length of the titles of your publications. If you were in high school now, there would be extreme difficulty in filling out numerous AP/SAT/test bubbles for your name. It is a testament to your intelligence that you were still able to finish multiple choice tests on time in college or grad. school (if you had them), but it is also a bane to everyone around who had to wait before the proctors finally gave up and told everyone [else] to start the test. I would not be suprised if the journals charged you an advertisement fee for the ink that your name takes.
2) Too repetitive. With one exception, every other letter is an "a". When filling out said bubbles, you probably filled all the "a"s first to exponentially increase efficiency. However, for people trying to spell your name: Sankaharanayar--crap, "where in the name am I?", "How many letters left?", "why is this name so long and repetitive?"; these are now questions that have ascended to the same level as "what is the point of life?". Fortunately, I am sure we can find an algorithm to generate your name.
3) Promotes racism. Everybody knows Indians talk too fast. With a few exceptions, those dark-skinned f[r]iends think that breaking the sound barrier means fitting 16 syllables into 0.2 seconds. This name promotes that perception--after all, which one would you use: "Hi-my-name-is-San-kar-an-ar-ay-a-nan." or: "Himynameis-sankaranarayan-an." Thus begins the imperialist thought: Surely, no civilized human would have such a long name ... [etc].
But, in spite of all the criticism, let me tell you: I am here to help. What are my qualifications?
1) Chinese.
All Chinese names are one syllable long.
Examples:
Han
Gao
Ling
Hai
Bin
Lo
Mei
2) My girlfriend is Korean.
All Korean names are one syllable long. To prove this, I will list all Korean names:
Kim (69.999% of population)
Lee (30.000% of population)
Suh
However, in light of new cultural acceptance policies, I will allow your name to be two (2, ii, the number of copies a person is supposed to have of chromosome 21) syllables long.
Here is the result of extensive research:
Sanny. Pronounced "Sahn-nee"
1) Of course, the obvious benefits. Shorter, easy to pronounce, easy to write.
2) It gives you an Italian gangster flair. Italian gangsters always call each at least one person "Sonny" (source: On the Waterfront, Godfather). Sanny and Sonny are similar, so if you wear some Armani, and drive a Ferrari, take anger expression courses, then you can be possibly the first Indiani gangster. Then you can talk in a heavy Italian accent, and carry a gun, and get ALL your articles published.
3) Very cute. Can you imagine, coming home after a long day's work, to a beautiful wife -- "Oh Sanny". And if you don't have a wife, or she is exceedingly ugly, with a name like Sanny, you can pick up any girl you want. On the other hand, with your current name, can you imagine an "Oh, Sankaranarayanan"? I can't either.
Anyways, I mainly wanted to write to you to say thanks for the publication. As for my advice--it's no problem;
You're welcome, Dr. Sanny.
Michael Gao
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